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How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls, by Donna Dale Carnegie
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Donna Dale Carnegie, daughter of the late motivational author and teacher Dale Carnegie, brings her father’s time-tested, invaluable lessons to the newest generation of young women on their way to becoming savvy, self-assured friends and leaders.
How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls offers concrete advice on teen topics such as peer pressure, gossip, and popularity. Teen girls will learn the most powerful ways to influence others, defuse arguments, admit mistakes, and make self-defining choices. The Carnegie techniques promote clear and constructive communication, praise rather than criticism, emotional sensitivity, tolerance, and a positive attitude—important skills for every girl to develop at an early age. Of course, no book for teen girls would be complete without taking a look at how to maintain friendships with boys and deal with commitment issues and break-ups with boyfriends. Carnegie also provides solid advice for older teens beginning to explore their influence in the adult world, such as driving and handling college interviews.
Full of fun quizzes, “reality check” sections, and true-life examples, How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls offers every teenage girl candid, insightful, and timely advice on how to influence friends in a positive manner.
- Sales Rank: #3802 in Books
- Brand: Touchstone
- Published on: 2005-06-02
- Released on: 2005-06-02
- Ingredients: Example Ingredients
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.25" h x .90" w x 6.12" l, .76 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 208 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From School Library Journal
Grade 7 Up–Retro may sell, but the flatly dated '50s look to the superfluous illustrations here and the regurgitated words of the late motivational speaker will fail to sell teens on the advice offered by Carnegie's daughter (and Chairman of the Board of Dale Carnegie & Associates, Inc.). Although purporting to show girls the most powerful ways to influence others, defuse arguments, admit mistakes, and make self-defining choices, the real advice here is about getting other people to do what you want them to. Readers are encouraged to step back from problematic relationships, write out analytical lists of facets of the problem from both sides, and then outline the most persuasive arguments to persuade the other party that your solution will be mutually beneficial. The reasoning is often muddy and couched in careful terms–negotiation, never manipulation. While the pointers on being a good listener, keeping a positive outlook, and admitting one's mistakes are useful, the sobering dilemmas of many teens' lives are never addressed, such as social drinking, drug use, pressure to have sex, date rape, eating disorders, and physical or emotional abuse. Carnegie's imagined audience appears to be the fictitious '50s girls of the illustrations, dreaming of winning Miss Congeniality, rather than today's young women facing serious, even life-threatening, issues and choices. In stark contrast, Mindy Morgenstern's The Real Rules for Girls (Girl Pr, 2000) pairs up-to-date, nonjudgmental, readable advice with a stunning layout of black-and-white photos from the '50s and '60s, effectively using visual appeal to sell her message of respect for self and others.–Joyce Adams Burner, Hillcrest Library, Prairie Village, KS
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter One
If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive.
-- Dale Carnegie
Imagine waking up one morning only to discover that every move you made -- from the clothes you picked out to the way you greeted your parents and friends to the questions you answered in class -- was recorded on a giant scoreboard for everyone to see. Although you realize that your score is changing how people see you (just like theirs is changing how you see them), you can't quite figure out which choices are increasing your tally and which aren't. In fact, you're beginning to wonder if your place in the world is decided totally at random. It sounds like some kind of nightmare, right? Unfortunately, it's not. Every day, girls find themselves navigating just such a world: school. There are few times in life that we find ourselves more aware of divisions like being in or out, us or them, cool or hopelessly uncool -- and so constantly reminded of where we fall on the continuum.
A recent study looked at students in grades six through ten. Among researchers' findings was that nearly 30 percent of students surveyed had experienced bullying, either as a victim, a perpetrator, or both. As alarmed as I was to hear this statistic, none of the girls we interviewed for this book even appeared surprised -- except to say they would have thought the number was higher. Many of them shared their own experiences, including Julie, age 14:
There was a girl in my class named Marie that everyone makes fun of. She's a total perfectionist and always uses the full hour to take a test that the rest of the class finishes in ten minutes. She's obsessed with ballet and all she ever wanted to talk about was her dance classes. Also, it was kind of the way she looked. I tried to be nice to her, but I also participated in teasing her. She laughed at herself and didn't let people know that she was hurt by what they said about her, but her mom told my mom that she cried every day after school. When my mom confronted me about it, I felt terrible. I told her that I tried sticking up for her, but it was hard. You want people to like you and I didn't want to become a target by sticking up for her. I know how horrible that is. I've been teased before, too....
From Julie's story, we see that she falls into the "both" category, experiencing teasing both as a participant and a victim. It seems unbelievable that someone who knows how horrible it feels to be singled out and ridiculed could ever take part in doing it to someone else. But if we look closely at Julie's words, we can see that she isn't really putting herself in Marie's shoes, regardless of her past experience. If Julie were truly empathizing with Marie, she wouldn't be able not to stick up for her. Rather, Julie is responding to her mom's criticism. Dale Carnegie once said, "Criticism is futile. It puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself." Or, in this case, herself.
Actually, he felt so strongly about criticism that he always taught the following principle first: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. It may seem obvious why we shouldn't follow this path when we look at Julie's example. She is indulging in all three big Cs: criticizing Marie, condemning her for her looks and personality, and complaining that she herself can't do anything to help. As tempting as it may be to think that we would never act in such a way, this kind of thinking is, in itself, a form of criticism. We're not here to judge Julie. Dale Carnegie believed the following: "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving." We can, however, learn from her. We all know how rotten it feels to be on the receiving end of an unkind word, but Julie's example also shows us how ugly it can be to know you've hurt someone else. No one wants to see themselves as a cruel bully -- or someone too cowardly to go against the crowd. You don't have to make the same mistake yourself; by finding ways to be less critical of others as well as learning how to use negative energy to your advantage, anyone can learn how to deal with tough situations.
Giving Up Judgment
In high school it's an everyday occurrence to be present when someone is being made fun of or gossiped about and there's probably not a single person who isn't guilty of it themselves.
-- Lily, R.I.
It's one thing to know we should be empathetic, but it's another to actually be empathetic. We're not talking about anything revolutionary here: people have been telling you all your life to "do unto others as you would have done to you," right? So why is it so hard for us to stop and put ourselves in another person's shoes? Maybe it's because the stereotypes we carry around in our heads are a sort of security blanket when we get right down to it. It's a lot easier to make sweeping assumptions about how jocks are dumb, cheerleaders are shallow, and members of the chess club are dorks than to consider each person as an individual -- an individual who would no more want to be regarded (or disregarded) as a two-dimensional stereotype than we would. The truth is that the bullying we see everywhere at school and even in the workplace would end tomorrow if everyone from age eight to 108 tried always and honestly to see things from another person's perspective.
This is not to say that you should give up all the opinions, ideas, and perspectives that make you wonderfully, uniquely you. There's a big difference between judgments or stereotypes and constructive criticism that comes from a place of genuine goodwill toward another person. Sound confusing? Look at it this way: even if some truth exists in your complaints about people, snapping at them over their faults -- or worse, humiliating them -- won't get you very far when it comes to changing their behavior. Dale Carnegie took the example of the world-famous psychologist B. F. Skinner: "He proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior....Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment." Sound crazy? Before you answer, take this quick quiz to see if you know the difference between constructive and destructive criticism.
Your best friend shows up at school with a nightmare haircut. You:
a) Head to the bathroom with her to see if parting her new 'do differently would make it a little more flattering.
b) Remind her it will grow out...eventually.
c) Wait until you're in the crowded cafeteria to tell her she should speed to the mall after school. You hear there's a big hat sale going on.
You love daisies, but your boyfriend shows up with a bouquet of roses on your anniversary. You:
a) Gush over the flowers and tell him they're beautiful -- you can remind him how much you like daisies some other time.
b) Thank him and tell him that next to daisies, roses are your favorite.
c) Tell him that if he ever listened to a word you said, he'd know you adore daisies and think roses are totally cliché.
Your tone-deaf sister plans to audition for the high school musical. You:
a) Invite your musically gifted friend over to give her some quick voice coaching.
b) Suggest she wait and audition for next semester's (nonmusical) play.
c) Ask her when Les Misérables became a comedy.
Your mom overcooks the roast again. You:
a) Eat it anyway. It won't kill you.
b) Push it around on your plate to make it look like you've eaten some and sneak a bowl of cereal later.
c) Ask her if she wants you to chip a tooth by continuing to try to eat this.
There are two truths about criticism: everyone's a critic (at least occasionally) and no one likes a critic (even occasionally). Sometimes what we offer as a helpful observation will come across as a judgment. And, if we don't choose our words carefully, what we intend as a constructive criticism can have the impact of a wrecking ball. But unless you've got a chronic case of foot-in-mouth disease, such misfires should be genuine miscommunications and shouldn't happen very often. So, if people routinely flinch before you speak -- and you answered "b" or "c" to any of the above -- it may be time to muzzle your inner pit bull.
A good rule of thumb is before you say something harsh, consider how you would feel if someone said the same thing to you. Sure, we all get angry. People do and say insensitive things all the time. But look what happens when we dish out negativity.
One time a girl in my high school criticized me on what I was wearing. She said that I looked ugly in it. I reacted by telling her to shut up and go away. I felt horrible, ugly, hurt, and angry all at once. I tried to hold in all my emotions, and all the hurt turned to hate. I hated her.
-- Beth, 17, Pa.
Ack! We definitely don't want to end up on either side of this scenario. That's not to say you can never suggest how others might do things better. It's just that when you do so, you should find a way to ensure your words are received in the generous spirit you intended for them. Before you open your mouth, make sure your intentions really are generous. Ask yourself:
- Is the thing I'm about to criticize something that the person can or would want to change? (Hint: This pretty much rules out comments on the way a person looks, talks, walks, laughs, or dresses. Before you cross into that territory, check your motive. Why are you saying this? Your words will likely have zero
- benefit to either you or your target, will be needlessly hurtful, and may cost you a friend or earn you a lasting enemy.)
- Am I about to call attention to something that is
- possible or easy to correct?
- Could my words possibly deter this per...
Most helpful customer reviews
248 of 260 people found the following review helpful.
Changing my life.
By BP2
My Dad gave me a copy of this when I graduated highschool in the 90s but I wasn't "ready" for it yet, I don't even think I read it to be honest. Now I'm 37 and realizing that I've put my personal growth on the back burner for entirely too long. I had pretty much given up on making new adult friends. I had actually self-diagnosed myself with Asperger's because I was having such a difficult time trying to figure out why people (including myself) do the things that do. The realization that my marriage was being effected by my nearly empty toolbox of social skills promoted me to take personal responsibility and shoulder the blame myself for once instead of blaming everyone around me for everything. I grew up with a hypercritical Mother so I think I had promised myself that I would never be criticized again, even if that meant writing people off the instant I felt like I had made myself vulnerable enough to be hurt by them.
I couldn't find the copy that my dad gave me so I ordered a new one and chapter 1 alone is changing the way I look at EVERYTHING. I've been plagued with mild depression/anxiety for 20 years and I'm realizing that I've developed some unhealthy defense mechanisms to cope with these issues. I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but the fortress-like walls I've constructed to deal with criticism (real or perceived) aren't much better for me. I've re-read and taken notes on the first section of the book several times now and my wife is noticing and she seems quite relieved, i had no idea I could impact another persons life so strongly.
Like I said, I am only getting started with the book and it has already helped me enough to warrant a 5-star rating. This book has stood the test of time for a reason and I can see why now. The strategies are applicable to and helpful in all aspects of my life so far, from my marriage to my job, and even to the way I interact with clerks in gas stations. I've read numerous self help books in the past, seen a therapist for 3 years, been through the gauntlet of antidepressants, etc, and until now I thought I was wasting my time. I've been learning things all along, but I never learned how to actually apply the things I had learned until now. This book speaks my language and if your background sounds even remotely similar I have a feeling that you'll agree.
72 of 82 people found the following review helpful.
but I found that it could be easy for a person to react quickly to conflicts
By Krystine
In my honest opinion, several principles in this book are repeated around the book. I don't see it as a disadvantage, because repetition is the key to learning. I did think several of the principles explained in the book are common sense, but I found that it could be easy for a person to react quickly to conflicts. This book has taught me the importance of staying in control and how beneficial it is to be in control of our behaviors and act in a way of service to others. The examples described in the book made it simpler to understand the concepts that Dale is teaching. I recommend this book if you would like to improve your skills with people. This book is especially beneficial for those who are working on their businesses and close relationships.
This book is divided into four parts. The first half of the book discusses techniques in handling people and how to have people like you. The final half of the book gives instructions about how to win people to our own thinking and how to be a leader by changing people without offending them or causing resentment.
In the first part of the book, it is divided into three principles. The first principle emphasizes the importance of avoiding criticism and he describes working with people as: working with people of logic. He further describes complaining and criticizing as a foolish task to do and how it takes a person of character to understand, forgive, and have self-control. Principle # 2 describes the importance of honest and sincere appreciation. Within this principle he describes the importance of ending our own thinking of accomplishments and desires. Instead, we must put our focus on the other person's good qualities. If being sincere, this will cause people to cherish them in their minds, even years later. The third principle involves influencing the other person to want, but not in a way that is manipulative. With this principle, he describes the importance of self-expression and connects it to the importance of thinking in terms of the other person, so that they come up with your ideas on their own, which they will like more.
Within the second part of the book, it teaches six principles. The first describes how critical it is to become interested in other people because you will make more friends compared to having others interested in you. When he moves onto the second principle, he explains the importance to smile in a heartwarming way because it will brighten the lives of those who see it. Dale then describes the importance to recall a person's name in the third principle. He gives tips on how to remember and then explains how people enjoy the sound of their own name. The fourth principle is about being a good listener and encouraging those to talk about themselves. He then goes onto to explain again that people are more interested in talking about themselves instead of others. He further explains this point in principle five: Talk in terms of the other person's interests. The final step is to sincerely make the other person feel important because this is the "deepest urge in human nature."
Dale describes in the third part of the book the steps to have a person think in terms of your own thoughts. He then explains that it is better to avoid arguments and to show respect for other people's opinions and never tell them they are wrong. because it will further push them away. If there is fault in your own behavior, Dale explains to immediately admit you're wrong without any doubts. If you are upset, he explains to sit down and counsel together, and if there are differences, understand it. Even in some differences, there will be points of agreement. He then explains the importance of agreement and having the person say "yes," at least twice. You doing this by looking into the other person's viewpoint and asking questions that cause them to agree. It is essential to have friends do the talking and have them excel us, instead of excelling them. When this occurs, they will feel important. To further the notion of feeling important, it is important to have the individual create their own ideas. He deepens this idea by asking questions such as, "Why should he or she want to do it?" and then being sympathetic towards their ideas. In order to catch a person's attention, you must dramatise the ideas you have. If all else fails, he explains the importance of competition and how it drives people to feel important and empowered to work efficiently and effectively.
In the final part of the book, Dale again discusses the importance of beginning with praise and honest appreciation. When someone makes a mistake, call to their mistakes indirectly. This can be done my making their mistakes your own and explaining the importance of fixing it and why it gave you a disadvantage. He then explains the importance of asking questions that direct the person you’re speaking to, to obtain your idea on their own. He emphasizes the importance of having the person be saved from embarrassment, and then explains the importance of praise again, even if it is small. Dale then gives examples of giving a person a reputation that makes them better, in order to have the person be motivated to improve. After giving someone a reputation to live up to, encourage the person to correct their faults and make them happy to do the actions you suggest.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
It's my favorite book of my life...
By Levent
It's an excellent book written on this subject. In fact, I've been reading this book for more than 20 years and applying it to my daily life my, business life etc, you name it. The result is incredible! Yes, to be able to learn something you have to apply it (do it, develop strategies and habits) in your daily life otherwise, you loose it in a very short time. Why I bought another one? Because, the one that I've been reading and applying for years was so old that I wanted to renew it. Because, I will be still reading and using it as a guide in my future life. I will go through it at least two three times in a year.
I believe that this book is the bestseller on it's subject for years and years. But, do not expect that your life will change immediately when you read it. Because, you are the one who will change your life. Because, you will realize that you have enormous improvement opportunities in your relationships but,you have to take actions by yourself immediately. If you really want/need a change why don't you start with yourself.
I definitely recommend this book to everybody.
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